I know I have been MIA for almost a year now. I apologize if you’ve come to this journal repeatedly and it hasn’t been updated. I could say that my priorities have changed, but that would only make it half true. The truth is, I haven’t wanted to update due to the shame that I have put myself in.
Let me go back to last year.
After my last post, I kind of went into a funk that I thought was going to be temporary, at the time. I stopped going to Zumba. I stopped going to the gym period. I actually became afraid of exercise due to the fact that I almost had a syncope in the middle of a Zumba class (Yes, it was extremely scary… I can feel when a syncope creeps in and I try my best to prevent them). Since that incident, I was basically sedentary and my eating was okay, overall. Nothing crazy, I guess. Until June/ July…
My food addiction quickly spun out of control. My work schedule changed abruptly on July 4th weekend. I got a call from the on-call at my job saying that my work schedule would change from 7:30/8AM to 6AM (3 days out of the 5 that I work)! At the time, I thought it was manageable. I mean, I used to wake up at 4:30AM when I was in college so how hard could it be, right? WRONG. I think that because my circadian rhythms were set to a certain point for so long I could not adjust to waking up when the sun had not even risen. I also was used to going to bed a little later at night. I started taking my melatonin a lot earlier, and although I could get to sleep earlier, I still had a hell of a time waking up (and I still do!). To this day, my body is still struggling to wake up before 5AM (side note: I get up this early because I work a half hour away and it takes me a bit to get ready, sometimes). On days like these, I have the worst time staying awake at work.
If you think that wrecked my body and sleep, imagine what it did to my food! I had to base WHEN I ate by WHEN I woke up. Of course, I bring my breakfast to work when I have to get up this early (I usually stick some oats and almond milk in the fridge overnight in a tupperware container and add the PB before I leave). I also had to pre-plan the next day’s lunch, which was a pain at times, too! I will admit, I’ve been better at pre-planning everything for the next day — it saves A LOT of time.
So basically since July, all of the food that has had a horrible influence in my diet has crept back in and cannot seem to leave. Also, the stress from everything (on top of increasingly getting treated like crap by people I interact with on a regular basis) quickly built up and caused my cortisol production to increase. When that happened, I could tell my stomach was getting bigger again, and it freaked me out, starting the cycle of eating crap, feeling bad, and stressing.
I know I am in control of my body and rationally I can say that I know what to do to lose the weight… I just lack the will-power and it has been like that for about 7 1/2 months now. I keep on trying to motivate myself. I’m in some private weight loss groups on Facebook motivated by friends… I keep a sparkpeople journal (I’m RHODY_FOODIE if you want to add me), and as of recently, I got back in the swing of Zumba (with a new instructor that ROCKS!) and even have tried pilates, have P90x on the computer, and have a Jillian Michaels DVD.
So, overall it has been better and I have been trying. The whole food component is still the MAIN thing that I am struggling with. I eat sugar and carbs and flour and I hate all of it. I feel like complete crap after I eat it, too. The thing is, I have a compulsion to buy that stuff because I listen to my body for the wrong reasons. I have alternated foods and substituted and I still want Ben & Jerry’s, Red Velvet, and cookies.
Yet, I also eat salad and use stevia and liquid stevia as sweeteners. So crazy.
Food and exercise go hand-in-hand, and if you’re the kind of person just starting your weight loss diet, you will soon learn that. When I was younger and with Weight Watchers, I only watched what I ate and didn’t exercise. The weight came off, but if I worked out even more… I am sure I would shed A LOT more weight! Now, I am older and a bit wiser and know that the exercise makes me feel AMAZING.
So, I am trying to re-start my balance act of food and exercise. My goal is this:
1. No sugar at all tomorrow
2. Continue pre-planning meals (I am in love with the salad I am currently making — it has chicken, avocado, red onion, grape tomatoes, and baby carrots tossed with a romaine mix with some Ken’s Light Balsamic Vinaigrette on the side. I feel SO satisfied when I am finished!)
3. Start Strength training again — 3x WEEK (that may be a lot but I need to fit it into my schedule). ; CARDIO 5x WEEK
I am hoping by just writing these three goals it will motivate me to get moving. I need to make it happen!
If you have read or stumbled across this, thank you for reading. I felt I needed to explain my long absence and show why I haven’t had anything to say on here… but I will make an effort to try more often. If you are starting a weight loss journey, best of luck to you and I BELIEVE IN YOU!